Shouldn't Yell at Customers

My day was starting out pretty well yesterday in that I woke up with no panic about going to the salon to get my hair cut and straightened. The only thing I was dealing with before I left the apartment was my cat deciding to me more vocal than usual where she was making me a lil tense. I head out to sit on the bench while waiting for my cab to come as I did my word search puzzles in this lil booklet I bought a couple of weeks ago. Everything was a normal existence as the cab came and I get into it but then I thought that the cab driver was speaking to the customer in the front seat so I wasn't really paying attention. He ended up yelling at me at the top of his lungs at me just because I didn't realize he was talking to me about the van backdoor being automatically closeable. He gets all dramatic and tells me I probably broke the door. No offense but I can close my own damn door after I get into a car or van. I did everything saying in my mind while I say "sorry" to him like a bunch of times trying to not start crying right there in the cab. All I got was flashbacks of how my father used to yell at me when most of the time I was just being a normal child. It hurt me profusely. I was about to open the cab door open again since it happened in front of my apartment building and just go back upstairs but I refused to let some cruel cab driver to keep me from getting my hair done. He apologized before dropping me off at the salon but by then he already brought back bad memories which I am trying to put past me anyway I can. I already scared of men hurting me so this made things worse in my mind. Some reading this might be wondering why I didn't just call the cab company after I was dropped off to tell them about what happened. Well I felt like a lil child again inside me and I didn't want to get anyone in trouble. Like a scared lil child, I even tipped him $3.00 in hopes that all will be forgotten. However I won't forget how that cab driver treated me. There should be anger management courses for cab drivers because I have ridden with so many who are close to road rage. I still tempted to call my therapist since I can't get the images of my father yelling and such at me as a lil girl out of my head now. :(

Like OMFG

Seriously, I don't think there is any single men in New York who are actually normal anymore. I have dealt with 2 of the weirdest motherfookers in the past week. You know you join a site with singles and expect to at least get some respect since they single too supposedly looking for someone special. I am starting to realize that most men on there are just on there to mess with women's heads. So I was talking to this guy who seemed nice (I stress the "seemed") which small talk was progressing but then he tells me he is a dominant. First of all, I say again in this post that saying you are one doesn't make you one. He refused to tell me how he dominates until I persisted asking him. I hate surprises when it comes to BDSM. On Second Life, I don't mind trying new things 'cause I feel safer doing such things in a virtual environment but real life is a totally different thing. He eventually told me about his thing with hair which I was thinking it probably tying up to post by hair or tugging hair hard. Nope not even close on this one. He thinks it is a nice thing to do as a dominant to cut or shave off a girl's hair. What kind of whackjob female would actually allow that to be done to her? I may be a tomboy and not spend a gazillion hours styling my hair but I like my hair. I prefer my hair no shorter than a lil bit above the shoulders. And if I wanted my hair shaved off then well I would never want to do that. Being with him I knew I would lose every ounce of the self esteem that myself, therapists, and my Protector have spent so much time bringing up from what it once was. I told him good luck with his search but I can find better in the virtual realm which is sadly true. I don't need to settle for some jerk in real life 'cause I always know that I have my Protector online or a phone call away. I was honest on my profile on that site and I don't expect any man to deal with all the crap I have going on in my life but what I do expect is some respect. I sick of being treated like some sex toy or bank (even though I have lil money) or someone to be kicked around just 'cause I honest about my panic disorder to people. Plus the only dominant that I allow to get near me and try things with is my Protector. Any other dominant has to prove himself for months before I let them really do anything with me. Sad for them but oh well. I have the best people in the world right here on my internet who have not abandoned me when things got tough unlike people I knew for years in real life.

Example of Boys who Ain't Men At All

Okay so I decided to join this free dating site again recently in kind of hopes of meeting someone nice. I didn't sugar coat my personal ad at all because I'm simply sick and tired of explaining all I deal with in life to a man who has no intention of understanding. I have panic disorder in real life so people need to deal with it then like me for who I am despite it. I would log in to see all these views but none of them sent me a message so I thinking to myself as I look at the slue of pictures of these men in my area and I shrug saying "well you just a bunch of heartless men". I knew by having everything out in the open that the way they react to my words will show how much they won't be there to support me. Moving along I browse the ads since some of them just make me crack up laughing at how short and stupid they are. All of a sudden, a email notification comes up that I got a message from some guy so I go to read it. He just writes in it, "damn lets bang". Deeply offended I block his butt immediately which deletes the message too then I go to look at his profile again to see what the hell was in there to prove he is a man only looking to get laid. Nothing strange in his personal ad but he has a pic of himself with presuming his little daughter since he says in profile that he does have kids. So I send him a message back to let him know how rude his message was and how he should be ashamed of himself based on the pic with his daughter. I looked all over for a place to report his butt before I blocked him but nothing. Obviously because it is a free site that they don't feel they have a need to add a "report" feature when you get rude messages like that. There is a regular dating site then a sex looking site so I should not have gotten a message like that. I expect crap like that on Second Life but not on a dating site where you are more likely to meet someone in person in a public place. Obviously I joined the site because I am getting too old to deal with waiting for my soul mate out there to wake up his damn eyes but I am not on there to deal with shallow, unkind jerks. So after that encounter I decided to huddle myself back into Second Life where sadly I get better offers. I am not a one-nite stand. I have men on Second Life who want to talk to me, spend time with me, cuddle with me, and dance with me. Why am I putting myself through this junk again with real life men in my area? I haven't learned my lesson from the last epic fail men I was with real life. Ok technically my last ex was not mean to me but in fact kind to me after we broke up although he not really talk to me anymore which is typical fashion of ex boyfriends. Anyway I don't know what I going to do. Just so sick of being treated like crap by men in real life when I try to be honest and nice. I don't need to learn to be a bitch on Second Life but rather one in real life to deal with these turds. Like omfg jerkface asking me if I want to "bang". Who uses that word anyway? Some ghetto dude who takes profile pics at some friend's nice house I guessing. I rather punch this dude in the face for being so damn rude to me.

Focusing on Real Life More

I been advised by 3 people in my life to focus more on my real life than this stupid internet. Ok they didn't call it stupid but I did. I waste so much of my life onto the people in my virtual land and when I awake I have no one to call on the phone or hang out with in the real world. Personally I am sick of having no one really in the life that is most important. Yes I have my cat and my mom but need more than that in life. Believe me I know. So I was told by one person that I should at least try doing volunteer stuff. I don't even know what I would want to do where that is concerned. The thought of fighting through my panic rather than running away from it scares me to bloody death. I know if I don't at least do an honest try that I will have probably 3 people on my butt until I do. My nites can be spent online because I personally do not want to go out in this city after dark. I don't trust the people lurking around after dark. Of course that makes the dating life in real world difficult since most work during the day and hang out with others at nite. I'll figure it out. I have to take a look at a volunteer site tomorrow so I can pick out ones that sound appealing enough that I will actually do them. We'll see and I'll keep all up to date who actually read this blog caring about my real life self instead of just my pixel self on Second Life.

Heartbreak and Other Pains

It all started with being hurt by someone then feeling utter heartbreak with a special man who I loved for months. Not having him want me anymore hurt all my emotions and heart deeply. Who knew that heartache would lead up to my whole upper body killing me. The migraines are back in full force where they won't let me forget that my brain hurts immensely when they are around. My neck feels like someone punched it to death and I literally just wanna blow it up with a grenade or something. Then of course the back has to get into the whole painful feeling by being stiff and hurting. Lastly my arms are all tense and ouch. I blame my sofa. I fixed it with the help of my mom with wood underneath it and since I have to sleep on my sofa in the summertime since I only have one air conditioner then I have to deal with basically sleeping on hard boards every day. I haven't been able to sleep well for weeks now. My sleeping patterns are so out of whack that I feeling right now that I will never get that fixed. I basically am just falling apart. :(

Things Were Fine

You know I manage to ruin everything I touch or vice versa. Its obvious that I was never meant to have any type of romantic relationship in my life. Knowledge that my longest relationship has been 4 months should just bloody prove that. I had a good thing going with this guy even though things weren't always wonderful but I ruined that by thinking I needed to have space and see what I wanted in life. Now he won't forgive me even though I told him I love him and want to turn back time to have him back. I am just a friend in his eyes now. That's all I ever am to guys unless they using me. Maybe I should just admit that no one wants me forever. It was dumb of me to think I ever could. My heart hurts so much I can't even breathe anymore and I can't stop crying. No one can help me feel better either 'cause I feel like utter crap deep in my soul. :(

Wanna Go to Camp

I have not slept at all last night which I think it is because I have too much crap on my mind. I need to get away for awhile but I can't leave for about a week without my cat. My cat can't go up to camp since she needs a controlled environment like I sort of have now due to her feline asthma. It is so not easy having a cat who suffers from that but I wouldn't trade her for all the cats in the world. I rather have a second cat to add to our little family. I've not been up to my family's camp in for 4 years I think. My mom thinks that for some silly reason that my great uncle up there will not welcome me to come to camp anymore. I think thats silly since he did have me down to NJ when I was younger to stay with them for like a couple of weeks. They never invited my sister down there so I have a strong belief that nothing has changed. Heavenly to think about being up there and not think about much else but relaxing and enjoying the fresh air. I need that so much right now. Gawd I am so tired right now but I have two SL jobs that I have committed myself to always show up for.

Woohoo Losing Weight

I am so pleased with myself. I have been eating better for about a month now. The hardest part was giving up drinking Gatorade since I really like that drink. Alas I did what was best for me to lose weight. I'm too determined to be skinny finally since I was a little girl that I won't allow myself to slip up and eat junk anymore. No matter how hard I try though I can't seem to give up buying cottage cheese. It is like I need one container of cottage cheese each week or I go into withdrawals. ~laughs~ Seriously though, I weighed myself at clinic again this week and I lost 2 more pounds. I feel bloated as all heck today though. It sucks being a female. I don't care what anyone says but men seem to have it easy. I can't believe how just cooking and kicking Gatorade to the curb has made me successfully lose weight now. Just had to share that.