My Life In A Nutshell

heya all...i am Jennie but also known as Jenica...i live in upstate NY but i also live in a virtual environment called Second Life...i'm creeping towards my 35th birthday this coming August 2012 which i never look forward to my birthdays especially this year since i was planning to have a birthday bash at this club that was my second home online but is now closed due to real life circumstances...i haven't had the best of a life sadly which most people tend to like to ignore the fact that life is not easy for people such as myself...when i tell people that i live many hours a day in a virtual life then they see it as an escape or an illusion but what i see is a way to have the life i always dreamt of but was taken from me by circumstances...i was literally near crying yesterday with the ordeal of having my card blocked while they investigate an unknown charge on my transaction history and i have to wait to get a new card 'cause that effects alot of my internet life from my website to my home on Second Life...i have had a hell of alot of things taken from me throughout my life that i made sure that no one can take away my home i created in Second Life...having said that i feel the hashing out my life story needs to be told without any holding back despite how people may think of some things i will say...i was born in the desert that is Nevada to enter into the lives of my mom, my father, and my older sister...we didn't stay in Nevada very long and when i was only 2 months old we moved to New Mexico which i remember nothing of life there...but it is said that a huge spider was on the window when we left Nevada and it gave me quite a big scare so to this day i feel like a part of my soul is in Nevada for me to go back to pick up one day...when i was about 3 or 4 years old we moved to Florida where we stayed with my paternal grandparents while my father went overseas to Okinawa which he wanted us to come but my mom knew better than to put us 2 children into such an uncertain circumstance since it wasn't definite if we would have a fully functional home to live in...so he went over there and came back as a very violent abusive man who did hit me and my mom but somehow my sister escaped his rage...i don't remember what he was like before the violence but all i know is that i have a great fear whenever i see him...i still remember when i was 5 yrs old and we went to Wisconsin and he dragged me down the stairs telling me to sit down and be quiet 'cause as my sister said years later that i was supposedly kicking her in this twin bed we slept in together...put 2 kids in one bed and kicking or shoving or such is bound to happen...like i always say "if he was more of an active father then he would know that" 'cause obviously it wasn't common sense to him...where does my cow obsession come from? well when i was in Wisconsin my now former stepmother's parents bought me and my sister plushie cows...it was black and white and stood up which the most enchanting eyes on my plushie cow...my mom sold it at a yard sale and yes i never let her live that down...the cow plushie was my bestest friend in Wisconsin and i clung to it whenever my father was mean to me during that stay there...i still remember the live cows on their farm which the smell wasn't so appealing but they were nice to look at...to this day i still search for a cow plushie just like it but alas it is no where to be found...i now have 3 cow plushies and 2 cow plastic figures...they give me comfort when i am upset or angry or can't sleep well...basically i cannot ever fall asleep without one of my cow plushie in my arm...if i have a nitemare then i cling to the cow plushie or i curl up to my cat if she near me...my mom, my sister, and me moved up to New York around my 4th birthday which the summer after we went to Wisconsin if my memory suits me correctly...we ended up living with my maternal grandparents which i have nothing but alot of fond memories of their house...though the basement always scared me and basements still do but we actually lived in the basement there...my childhood got a lil better the longer times i didn't see my father...my mom is and was always the most nurturing, loving, caring, but she did have a strictness that people would call it overprotectiveness...but know the circumstances and you would understand why she was the way she was...when i was like i think 7 yrs old we moved into our first apartment which was next to a fire station and i actually had reoccurring nitemares of a fireman being trapped in a mobile home by a fire...so i always fear a fire happening where i live and amazed i live in a high rise since escaping from a fire will kill you just trying to scale down many flights of stairs...when i was 9 yrs old we moved into this really nice apartment that my mom still resides at but there were mean kids living upstairs when we first moved in so i tended to stay on our enclosed porch to play since i was kind of afraid of those kids...when they moved out then there was not much that kept me from being out in the backyard and from that day til the day i moved out on my own i always loved going outside...i became overweight at like 9 yrs old and the reasoning i now know is family genetics 'cause my mom always made us good meals and made us eat our veggies...so i been struggling with my weight for like 26 yrs now...school was hard being an overweight girl 'cause people loved to hurt me with their words constantly...bullies think that overweight people apparently sit on people to crush them, that we eat unhealthy food, that we have nothing better to do that sit around and eat, that we wouldn't know what exercise is if it bit our butts, and that we like being fat...all misconceptions that ain't true at all...though i do like my Second Life avatar being a bit chubbier than she once was 'cause it is natural and not skinny as a rail...living with my sister was not easy for me or my mom 'cause when she went through her teens she became very violent and i had to grow up at 11 yrs old to to keep my sister from not killing my mom or myself...she is alot like my father in that regard and i try to avoid her but i miss my niece so very much despite it all and will do what i can to make communications open again for the sake of my niece and hope one day my attempts will work...i went to college for a year right after i graduated from high school which i got a degree in regents and had high honors throughout my high school life...unfortunately college was not as good for grades for me...i almost failed a couple of classes that first year...i ended up developing agoraphobia when i started my second year of college so i ended up dropping out...agoraphobia makes you afraid to leave the house, be around alot of people, and basically a fear of everything...and trust me when i say agoraphobia before it turned into what it is now which is diagnosed as severe panic disorder with depression tendencies and PTSD that i pretty much feared a ton of things all at once...i remember being afraid of water which i loves water alot like a moth to a flame i always was to water...i would have panic attacks just taking a shower which at times i still do...i can forget alot of things from my past most of the time but my panic is one i don't simply due to me having to live with it day after day for like 15 years now...my panic plagues me everyday and makes sure i don't forget it exists...i got better enough that i moved out on my own when i was 24 yrs old, got myself a tattoo, roamed around the good parts of the city of Albany, went shopping on my own, and even went to the mall alot...then one day a few years ago i had to quit an online college i was going to and became deathly afraid of taking the city bus again so i have been a bit more dependent on my mom again...virtual life is my life in many ways...i work on Second Life and i have a business of graphic designing on there that i trying to get more customers coming in...i tell my family and my therapist all about my life on Second Life which i know they don't ever totally understand but it is how things are...until i am well enough to successfully hold a job in real life then i cling to the opportunities that Second Life gives to me...meanwhile i continue to try my hardest to lose weight so i can be happy with the way i look and be more healthier as i inch towards my 40s...i single in real life solely 'cause of my panic disorder...not many understand it and they try to fix it but you cannot fix panic disorder unless you are the person who has it...therapy helps but it is not a cure...don't read books on it and tell me what i should do 'cause i am not a textbook case and never will be...i will keep buying cows, keep trying to forget the pains in my past, continue not speaking to my father, spend time with my mom and my cat, and live life the best i can...so this is the basics of the story of my life

Facepalms

okies so i have been kind of like a rageaholic lately and being a bitch which i usually am not 'cause it just ain't me...but i tend to voice a ton of my opinions and well i think i tend to thrust those opinions upon others...however in my blogs i can say and do as i please since it is a online universe of freely expressing how i am, feel, and do...i had a friend recently say to me that i need to get laid...yeah like that is the answer to all of life's issues and problems...i had to laugh at it 'cause i know that sex is not a root to happiness...i have had a couple of one-nite stands in my lifetime which i have learned from them that nothing but tears come from them...sure the sex is damn good but the afterwards when they never call you is what stabs one straight into the heart...it is like alcohol, sure it makes you feel good while you drunk off your butt then when you sober up then all you have to show for your drunken bliss is a hangover and kissing the porcelain throne of the toilet...do i miss sex? hell yeah...am i gonna go out and find some sex? no way in hell...i wanna be made love to next time i do the bedroom wrestling stuff...til i find a man in real life who knows what "making love" means then i will stay sexless...i can have cybersex anytime but it nothing like real life sexual acts...trust me on that one...and i doubt anyone will disagree with me on that

Shouldn't Yell at Customers

My day was starting out pretty well yesterday in that I woke up with no panic about going to the salon to get my hair cut and straightened. The only thing I was dealing with before I left the apartment was my cat deciding to me more vocal than usual where she was making me a lil tense. I head out to sit on the bench while waiting for my cab to come as I did my word search puzzles in this lil booklet I bought a couple of weeks ago. Everything was a normal existence as the cab came and I get into it but then I thought that the cab driver was speaking to the customer in the front seat so I wasn't really paying attention. He ended up yelling at me at the top of his lungs at me just because I didn't realize he was talking to me about the van backdoor being automatically closeable. He gets all dramatic and tells me I probably broke the door. No offense but I can close my own damn door after I get into a car or van. I did everything saying in my mind while I say "sorry" to him like a bunch of times trying to not start crying right there in the cab. All I got was flashbacks of how my father used to yell at me when most of the time I was just being a normal child. It hurt me profusely. I was about to open the cab door open again since it happened in front of my apartment building and just go back upstairs but I refused to let some cruel cab driver to keep me from getting my hair done. He apologized before dropping me off at the salon but by then he already brought back bad memories which I am trying to put past me anyway I can. I already scared of men hurting me so this made things worse in my mind. Some reading this might be wondering why I didn't just call the cab company after I was dropped off to tell them about what happened. Well I felt like a lil child again inside me and I didn't want to get anyone in trouble. Like a scared lil child, I even tipped him $3.00 in hopes that all will be forgotten. However I won't forget how that cab driver treated me. There should be anger management courses for cab drivers because I have ridden with so many who are close to road rage. I still tempted to call my therapist since I can't get the images of my father yelling and such at me as a lil girl out of my head now. :(

Like OMFG

Seriously, I don't think there is any single men in New York who are actually normal anymore. I have dealt with 2 of the weirdest motherfookers in the past week. You know you join a site with singles and expect to at least get some respect since they single too supposedly looking for someone special. I am starting to realize that most men on there are just on there to mess with women's heads. So I was talking to this guy who seemed nice (I stress the "seemed") which small talk was progressing but then he tells me he is a dominant. First of all, I say again in this post that saying you are one doesn't make you one. He refused to tell me how he dominates until I persisted asking him. I hate surprises when it comes to BDSM. On Second Life, I don't mind trying new things 'cause I feel safer doing such things in a virtual environment but real life is a totally different thing. He eventually told me about his thing with hair which I was thinking it probably tying up to post by hair or tugging hair hard. Nope not even close on this one. He thinks it is a nice thing to do as a dominant to cut or shave off a girl's hair. What kind of whackjob female would actually allow that to be done to her? I may be a tomboy and not spend a gazillion hours styling my hair but I like my hair. I prefer my hair no shorter than a lil bit above the shoulders. And if I wanted my hair shaved off then well I would never want to do that. Being with him I knew I would lose every ounce of the self esteem that myself, therapists, and my Protector have spent so much time bringing up from what it once was. I told him good luck with his search but I can find better in the virtual realm which is sadly true. I don't need to settle for some jerk in real life 'cause I always know that I have my Protector online or a phone call away. I was honest on my profile on that site and I don't expect any man to deal with all the crap I have going on in my life but what I do expect is some respect. I sick of being treated like some sex toy or bank (even though I have lil money) or someone to be kicked around just 'cause I honest about my panic disorder to people. Plus the only dominant that I allow to get near me and try things with is my Protector. Any other dominant has to prove himself for months before I let them really do anything with me. Sad for them but oh well. I have the best people in the world right here on my internet who have not abandoned me when things got tough unlike people I knew for years in real life.

Example of Boys who Ain't Men At All

Okay so I decided to join this free dating site again recently in kind of hopes of meeting someone nice. I didn't sugar coat my personal ad at all because I'm simply sick and tired of explaining all I deal with in life to a man who has no intention of understanding. I have panic disorder in real life so people need to deal with it then like me for who I am despite it. I would log in to see all these views but none of them sent me a message so I thinking to myself as I look at the slue of pictures of these men in my area and I shrug saying "well you just a bunch of heartless men". I knew by having everything out in the open that the way they react to my words will show how much they won't be there to support me. Moving along I browse the ads since some of them just make me crack up laughing at how short and stupid they are. All of a sudden, a email notification comes up that I got a message from some guy so I go to read it. He just writes in it, "damn lets bang". Deeply offended I block his butt immediately which deletes the message too then I go to look at his profile again to see what the hell was in there to prove he is a man only looking to get laid. Nothing strange in his personal ad but he has a pic of himself with presuming his little daughter since he says in profile that he does have kids. So I send him a message back to let him know how rude his message was and how he should be ashamed of himself based on the pic with his daughter. I looked all over for a place to report his butt before I blocked him but nothing. Obviously because it is a free site that they don't feel they have a need to add a "report" feature when you get rude messages like that. There is a regular dating site then a sex looking site so I should not have gotten a message like that. I expect crap like that on Second Life but not on a dating site where you are more likely to meet someone in person in a public place. Obviously I joined the site because I am getting too old to deal with waiting for my soul mate out there to wake up his damn eyes but I am not on there to deal with shallow, unkind jerks. So after that encounter I decided to huddle myself back into Second Life where sadly I get better offers. I am not a one-nite stand. I have men on Second Life who want to talk to me, spend time with me, cuddle with me, and dance with me. Why am I putting myself through this junk again with real life men in my area? I haven't learned my lesson from the last epic fail men I was with real life. Ok technically my last ex was not mean to me but in fact kind to me after we broke up although he not really talk to me anymore which is typical fashion of ex boyfriends. Anyway I don't know what I going to do. Just so sick of being treated like crap by men in real life when I try to be honest and nice. I don't need to learn to be a bitch on Second Life but rather one in real life to deal with these turds. Like omfg jerkface asking me if I want to "bang". Who uses that word anyway? Some ghetto dude who takes profile pics at some friend's nice house I guessing. I rather punch this dude in the face for being so damn rude to me.

Focusing on Real Life More

I been advised by 3 people in my life to focus more on my real life than this stupid internet. Ok they didn't call it stupid but I did. I waste so much of my life onto the people in my virtual land and when I awake I have no one to call on the phone or hang out with in the real world. Personally I am sick of having no one really in the life that is most important. Yes I have my cat and my mom but need more than that in life. Believe me I know. So I was told by one person that I should at least try doing volunteer stuff. I don't even know what I would want to do where that is concerned. The thought of fighting through my panic rather than running away from it scares me to bloody death. I know if I don't at least do an honest try that I will have probably 3 people on my butt until I do. My nites can be spent online because I personally do not want to go out in this city after dark. I don't trust the people lurking around after dark. Of course that makes the dating life in real world difficult since most work during the day and hang out with others at nite. I'll figure it out. I have to take a look at a volunteer site tomorrow so I can pick out ones that sound appealing enough that I will actually do them. We'll see and I'll keep all up to date who actually read this blog caring about my real life self instead of just my pixel self on Second Life.

Heartbreak and Other Pains

It all started with being hurt by someone then feeling utter heartbreak with a special man who I loved for months. Not having him want me anymore hurt all my emotions and heart deeply. Who knew that heartache would lead up to my whole upper body killing me. The migraines are back in full force where they won't let me forget that my brain hurts immensely when they are around. My neck feels like someone punched it to death and I literally just wanna blow it up with a grenade or something. Then of course the back has to get into the whole painful feeling by being stiff and hurting. Lastly my arms are all tense and ouch. I blame my sofa. I fixed it with the help of my mom with wood underneath it and since I have to sleep on my sofa in the summertime since I only have one air conditioner then I have to deal with basically sleeping on hard boards every day. I haven't been able to sleep well for weeks now. My sleeping patterns are so out of whack that I feeling right now that I will never get that fixed. I basically am just falling apart. :(