Real Life Thoughts: 2012

heya all...i am Jennie but also known as Jenica...i live in upstate NY but i also live in a virtual environment called Second Life...i'm creeping towards my 35th birthday this coming August 2012 which i never look forward to my birthdays especially this year since i was planning to have a birthday bash at this club that was my second home online but is now closed due to real life circumstances...i haven't had the best of a life sadly which most people tend to like to ignore the fact that life is not easy for people such as myself...when i tell people that i live many hours a day in a virtual life then they see it as an escape or an illusion but what i see is a way to have the life i always dreamt of but was taken from me by circumstances...i was literally near crying yesterday with the ordeal of having my card blocked while they investigate an unknown charge on my transaction history and i have to wait to get a new card 'cause that effects alot of my internet life from my website to my home on Second Life...i have had a hell of alot of things taken from me throughout my life that i made sure that no one can take away my home i created in Second Life...having said that i feel the hashing out my life story needs to be told without any holding back despite how people may think of some things i will say...i was born in the desert that is Nevada to enter into the lives of my mom, my father, and my older sister...we didn't stay in Nevada very long and when i was only 2 months old we moved to New Mexico which i remember nothing of life there...but it is said that a huge spider was on the window when we left Nevada and it gave me quite a big scare so to this day i feel like a part of my soul is in Nevada for me to go back to pick up one day...when i was about 3 or 4 years old we moved to Florida where we stayed with my paternal grandparents while my father went overseas to Okinawa which he wanted us to come but my mom knew better than to put us 2 children into such an uncertain circumstance since it wasn't definite if we would have a fully functional home to live in...so he went over there and came back as a very violent abusive man who did hit me and my mom but somehow my sister escaped his rage...i don't remember what he was like before the violence but all i know is that i have a great fear whenever i see him...i still remember when i was 5 yrs old and we went to Wisconsin and he dragged me down the stairs telling me to sit down and be quiet 'cause as my sister said years later that i was supposedly kicking her in this twin bed we slept in together...put 2 kids in one bed and kicking or shoving or such is bound to happen...like i always say "if he was more of an active father then he would know that" 'cause obviously it wasn't common sense to him...where does my cow obsession come from? well when i was in Wisconsin my now former stepmother's parents bought me and my sister plushie cows...it was black and white and stood up which the most enchanting eyes on my plushie cow...my mom sold it at a yard sale and yes i never let her live that down...the cow plushie was my bestest friend in Wisconsin and i clung to it whenever my father was mean to me during that stay there...i still remember the live cows on their farm which the smell wasn't so appealing but they were nice to look at...to this day i still search for a cow plushie just like it but alas it is no where to be found...i now have 3 cow plushies and 2 cow plastic figures...they give me comfort when i am upset or angry or can't sleep well...basically i cannot ever fall asleep without one of my cow plushie in my arm...if i have a nitemare then i cling to the cow plushie or i curl up to my cat if she near me...my mom, my sister, and me moved up to New York around my 4th birthday which the summer after we went to Wisconsin if my memory suits me correctly...we ended up living with my maternal grandparents which i have nothing but alot of fond memories of their house...though the basement always scared me and basements still do but we actually lived in the basement there...my childhood got a lil better the longer times i didn't see my father...my mom is and was always the most nurturing, loving, caring, but she did have a strictness that people would call it overprotectiveness...but know the circumstances and you would understand why she was the way she was...when i was like i think 7 yrs old we moved into our first apartment which was next to a fire station and i actually had reoccurring nitemares of a fireman being trapped in a mobile home by a fire...so i always fear a fire happening where i live and amazed i live in a high rise since escaping from a fire will kill you just trying to scale down many flights of stairs...when i was 9 yrs old we moved into this really nice apartment that my mom still resides at but there were mean kids living upstairs when we first moved in so i tended to stay on our enclosed porch to play since i was kind of afraid of those kids...when they moved out then there was not much that kept me from being out in the backyard and from that day til the day i moved out on my own i always loved going outside...i became overweight at like 9 yrs old and the reasoning i now know is family genetics 'cause my mom always made us good meals and made us eat our veggies...so i been struggling with my weight for like 26 yrs now...school was hard being an overweight girl 'cause people loved to hurt me with their words constantly...bullies think that overweight people apparently sit on people to crush them, that we eat unhealthy food, that we have nothing better to do that sit around and eat, that we wouldn't know what exercise is if it bit our butts, and that we like being fat...all misconceptions that ain't true at all...though i do like my Second Life avatar being a bit chubbier than she once was 'cause it is natural and not skinny as a rail...living with my sister was not easy for me or my mom 'cause when she went through her teens she became very violent and i had to grow up at 11 yrs old to to keep my sister from not killing my mom or myself...she is alot like my father in that regard and i try to avoid her but i miss my niece so very much despite it all and will do what i can to make communications open again for the sake of my niece and hope one day my attempts will work...i went to college for a year right after i graduated from high school which i got a degree in regents and had high honors throughout my high school life...unfortunately college was not as good for grades for me...i almost failed a couple of classes that first year...i ended up developing agoraphobia when i started my second year of college so i ended up dropping out...agoraphobia makes you afraid to leave the house, be around alot of people, and basically a fear of everything...and trust me when i say agoraphobia before it turned into what it is now which is diagnosed as severe panic disorder with depression tendencies and PTSD that i pretty much feared a ton of things all at once...i remember being afraid of water which i loves water alot like a moth to a flame i always was to water...i would have panic attacks just taking a shower which at times i still do...i can forget alot of things from my past most of the time but my panic is one i don't simply due to me having to live with it day after day for like 15 years now...my panic plagues me everyday and makes sure i don't forget it exists...i got better enough that i moved out on my own when i was 24 yrs old, got myself a tattoo, roamed around the good parts of the city of Albany, went shopping on my own, and even went to the mall alot...then one day a few years ago i had to quit an online college i was going to and became deathly afraid of taking the city bus again so i have been a bit more dependent on my mom again...virtual life is my life in many ways...i work on Second Life and i have a business of graphic designing on there that i trying to get more customers coming in...i tell my family and my therapist all about my life on Second Life which i know they don't ever totally understand but it is how things are...until i am well enough to successfully hold a job in real life then i cling to the opportunities that Second Life gives to me...meanwhile i continue to try my hardest to lose weight so i can be happy with the way i look and be more healthier as i inch towards my 40s...i single in real life solely 'cause of my panic disorder...not many understand it and they try to fix it but you cannot fix panic disorder unless you are the person who has it...therapy helps but it is not a cure...don't read books on it and tell me what i should do 'cause i am not a textbook case and never will be...i will keep buying cows, keep trying to forget the pains in my past, continue not speaking to my father, spend time with my mom and my cat, and live life the best i can...so this is the basics of the story of my life

Real Life Thoughts

Friday, February 3, 2012

My Life In A Nutshell

Monday, January 30, 2012

Facepalms